1 00:00:09,047 --> 00:00:14,347 And Now For Something Completely Different - 1971 [H264-mp4] English. 2 00:00:15,948 --> 00:00:19,743 In this picture there are 47 people. 3 00:00:19,744 --> 00:00:22,204 None of them can be seen. 4 00:00:22,205 --> 00:00:24,248 In this film, we hope to show you... 5 00:00:24,249 --> 00:00:27,020 how not to be seen. 6 00:00:28,170 --> 00:00:31,839 This is Mr. E. R. Bradshaw of Napier Court... 7 00:00:31,840 --> 00:00:35,094 Blackline Road, London, SE 14. 8 00:00:35,095 --> 00:00:37,262 He cannot be seen. 9 00:00:37,263 --> 00:00:39,349 Now I'm going to ask him to stand up. 10 00:00:39,350 --> 00:00:42,939 Mr. Bradshaw, will you stand up, please? 11 00:00:48,275 --> 00:00:51,862 This demonstrates the value of not being seen. 12 00:00:51,863 --> 00:00:55,866 In this picture, we cannot see Mrs. B. J. Smegma... 13 00:00:55,867 --> 00:00:58,661 of 13 The Crescent, Belmont. 14 00:00:58,662 --> 00:01:02,459 Mrs. Smegma, will you stand up, please? 15 00:01:07,422 --> 00:01:11,801 This is Mr. Nesbitt of Harlow. Newtown. 16 00:01:11,802 --> 00:01:15,240 Mr. Nesbitt, will you stand up, please? 17 00:01:18,809 --> 00:01:22,772 Mr. Nesbitt has learned the first lesson of not being seen: 18 00:01:22,773 --> 00:01:24,982 Not to stand up. 19 00:01:24,983 --> 00:01:29,653 However, he has chosen a very obvious piece of cover. 20 00:01:31,366 --> 00:01:35,535 Mr. E. W. Lambert of Homely, The Burrows. Oswald Street... 21 00:01:35,536 --> 00:01:37,664 has presented us with a poser. 22 00:01:37,665 --> 00:01:40,708 We do not know which bush he is behind. 23 00:01:40,709 --> 00:01:43,325 But we can soon find out. 24 00:01:52,265 --> 00:01:55,854 Yes. It was the middle one. 25 00:01:55,892 --> 00:01:58,687 Mr. and Mrs. Watson of Hull... 26 00:01:58,688 --> 00:02:01,231 chose a very cunning way of not being seen. 27 00:02:01,232 --> 00:02:05,361 When we called at their house, we found they had gone on two weeks holiday. 28 00:02:05,362 --> 00:02:08,800 However, a neighbour told us where they were. 29 00:02:10,576 --> 00:02:14,425 And here is the neighbour who told us where they were. 30 00:02:17,418 --> 00:02:19,828 And here is where he lived. 31 00:02:20,420 --> 00:02:23,704 And this is where he was born. 32 00:02:39,192 --> 00:02:41,757 And now for something completely different. 33 00:03:37,799 --> 00:03:40,343 Oh. Good evening. 34 00:03:40,344 --> 00:03:42,594 Ladies and gentlemen... 35 00:03:42,595 --> 00:03:47,395 we apologize that the feature was not quite as long as we'd anticipated. 36 00:03:47,810 --> 00:03:50,838 Therefore, there will be a short interval. 37 00:03:55,485 --> 00:03:59,948 In the meantime, we are pleased to be able to show you a short film... 38 00:03:59,949 --> 00:04:03,541 starring a man with a tape recorder up his nose. 39 00:04:36,406 --> 00:04:40,034 And now... And now a film starring a man... 40 00:04:40,035 --> 00:04:43,729 with a tape recorder up his brother's nose. 41 00:05:08,275 --> 00:05:11,302 And now in stereo. 42 00:05:31,300 --> 00:05:34,053 Thank you. That is the end of the interval. 43 00:05:34,054 --> 00:05:36,347 Will you kindly return to your seats? 44 00:05:36,348 --> 00:05:40,556 We will now be proceeding with the program as advertised. 45 00:05:44,107 --> 00:05:46,108 Darling, you were wonderful. 46 00:05:46,109 --> 00:05:48,653 Oh, really? 47 00:05:48,654 --> 00:05:53,454 In 1971 the British Empire lay in ruins. 48 00:05:53,784 --> 00:05:57,704 Foreigners frequented the streets, many of them Hungarians. 49 00:05:57,705 --> 00:06:00,082 Not the streets. The foreign nationals. 50 00:06:00,083 --> 00:06:04,883 Anyway, many of these Hungarians went into tobacconist's to buy cigarettes. 51 00:06:05,339 --> 00:06:08,365 There you are, sir. Thank you. 52 00:06:12,638 --> 00:06:15,000 Good morning, sir. 53 00:06:16,310 --> 00:06:20,146 "I will not buy this record. It is scratched." 54 00:06:20,147 --> 00:06:22,273 I'm sorry? 55 00:06:22,274 --> 00:06:26,153 "I will not buy this record. It is scratched." 56 00:06:26,154 --> 00:06:29,949 Oh, no, no, no. This is a tobacconist's. 57 00:06:29,950 --> 00:06:31,796 Tobacconist's. 58 00:06:33,537 --> 00:06:37,082 "I will not buy this tobacconist's. It is scratched." 59 00:06:37,083 --> 00:06:40,086 No. Tobacco. Um, cigarettes. 60 00:06:40,087 --> 00:06:41,830 Cigarettes? 61 00:06:45,676 --> 00:06:49,554 - "My hovercraft is full of eels." - What? 62 00:06:49,555 --> 00:06:53,404 "My hovercraft is full of eels." 63 00:06:53,892 --> 00:06:57,587 - Ah, matches. - Yeah! Matches. 64 00:06:58,648 --> 00:07:01,276 - "Do you want..." - "Do you want." 65 00:07:01,277 --> 00:07:02,861 Want. 66 00:07:02,862 --> 00:07:07,662 "Do you want to come back to my place? Bouncy, bouncy." 67 00:07:07,783 --> 00:07:09,868 That'll be six shillings, please. 68 00:07:09,869 --> 00:07:14,669 "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?" 69 00:07:15,083 --> 00:07:17,461 "I am no longer infected." 70 00:07:17,462 --> 00:07:19,820 May I? 71 00:07:20,339 --> 00:07:23,726 Costs six shillings. 72 00:07:32,311 --> 00:07:34,158 Help! 73 00:07:49,289 --> 00:07:53,625 - What's all this. Then? - "You have beautiful thighs." 74 00:07:53,626 --> 00:07:55,294 - What? - He hit me. 75 00:07:55,295 --> 00:07:59,090 "Drop your panties, Sir Arthur. I can not wait till lunchtime!" 76 00:07:59,091 --> 00:08:02,636 - Right! - "Oh, my nipples explode with delight!" 77 00:08:02,637 --> 00:08:05,264 The Hungarian gentleman was subsequently released... 78 00:08:05,265 --> 00:08:09,101 but his information led to the arrest and trial of the real culprit. 79 00:08:09,102 --> 00:08:10,436 I am. 80 00:08:10,437 --> 00:08:13,523 You are hereby charged that on the 28th day of May... 81 00:08:13,524 --> 00:08:16,360 you did will fully and with malice aforethought... 82 00:08:16,361 --> 00:08:19,488 publish an alleged English-Hungarian phrase book... 83 00:08:19,489 --> 00:08:22,617 with intent to cause a breach of the peace. 84 00:08:22,618 --> 00:08:26,663 - How do you plead? - Not guilty. 85 00:08:26,664 --> 00:08:28,999 Mr. York, on the 28th of May... 86 00:08:29,000 --> 00:08:32,795 - you published this phrase book. - I did. 87 00:08:32,796 --> 00:08:36,131 With Your Lordship's permission, I would like to quote an example. 88 00:08:36,132 --> 00:08:40,932 The Hungarian phrase meaning, "Can you direct me to the railway station?"... 89 00:08:41,055 --> 00:08:44,141 is here translated by the English phrase... 90 00:08:44,142 --> 00:08:47,271 "Please fondle my buttocks." 91 00:08:50,482 --> 00:08:52,817 "Please fondle... 92 00:08:52,818 --> 00:08:55,111 my buttocks." 93 00:08:55,112 --> 00:08:57,113 Ah, yes. It's past the post office... 94 00:08:57,114 --> 00:09:00,194 200 yards down and then left at the light. 95 00:09:03,497 --> 00:09:07,549 Left at lights. 96 00:10:09,779 --> 00:10:11,906 Meanwhile, not far away... 97 00:10:11,907 --> 00:10:16,370 Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Putey were about to enter an unfamiliar office. 98 00:10:16,371 --> 00:10:18,216 Next. 99 00:10:41,648 --> 00:10:45,776 Oh. Are you the marriage guidance counsellor? 100 00:10:45,777 --> 00:10:49,472 - Yes. Good morning. - Morning. 101 00:10:51,493 --> 00:10:56,293 And... good morning to you, madam. 102 00:10:57,958 --> 00:11:02,628 - Name? - Mr. and Mrs. Arthur Putey. 103 00:11:04,007 --> 00:11:08,807 And what is the name of your... ravishing wife? 104 00:11:09,095 --> 00:11:11,513 Wait. Don't tell me. 105 00:11:11,514 --> 00:11:15,927 It's... It's something to do with moonlight. 106 00:11:16,187 --> 00:11:18,605 Goes with her eyes. 107 00:11:18,606 --> 00:11:20,816 It's soft and gentle... 108 00:11:20,817 --> 00:11:23,319 warm and yielding. 109 00:11:23,320 --> 00:11:25,321 Deeply lyrical, and yet... 110 00:11:25,322 --> 00:11:28,826 tender and frightened, like a tiny, white rabbit. 111 00:11:28,827 --> 00:11:31,083 It's Dierdre. 112 00:11:34,124 --> 00:11:36,483 What a beautiful name. 113 00:11:38,004 --> 00:11:40,363 What a beautiful... 114 00:11:41,214 --> 00:11:43,626 beautiful name. 115 00:11:46,971 --> 00:11:50,224 And what seems to be the trouble with your marriage, Mr. Putey? 116 00:11:50,225 --> 00:11:53,185 It started when we went to Brighton on holiday together. 117 00:11:53,186 --> 00:11:56,230 Dierdre - that's my wife - and I, we've always been close companions... 118 00:11:56,231 --> 00:11:59,318 and I never particularly anticipated any marital strife. 119 00:11:59,319 --> 00:12:02,029 The very idea of consulting a professional marital adviser... 120 00:12:02,030 --> 00:12:04,115 has always been of the greatest repugnance to me. 121 00:12:04,116 --> 00:12:08,703 Although, far be it from me to impugn the nature of your trade or... 122 00:12:08,704 --> 00:12:11,064 or profession. 123 00:12:13,209 --> 00:12:16,712 - Do go on. - We've always been close companions... 124 00:12:16,713 --> 00:12:20,549 sharing the interests, the gardening, the holiday money. 125 00:12:20,550 --> 00:12:24,513 Twice a month of an evening, we settle down to do the accounts together... 126 00:12:24,514 --> 00:12:28,225 something which Dierdre - that's my wife - 127 00:12:28,226 --> 00:12:31,311 and I particularly look forward to on account of her feet. 128 00:12:31,312 --> 00:12:35,275 I should have said at the start that I noted for having a grand sense of humour. 129 00:12:35,276 --> 00:12:39,445 Although I've kept myself very much to myself over the last couple of years. 130 00:12:39,446 --> 00:12:43,241 It's only been as comparatively recently as recently that I've begun to realize... 131 00:12:43,242 --> 00:12:45,953 Well, perhaps "realize" is too strong a word. 132 00:12:45,954 --> 00:12:50,754 Uh, imagine that, uh, I was not the only thing in her life. 133 00:12:51,294 --> 00:12:53,544 You suspected your wife? 134 00:12:53,545 --> 00:12:55,290 Well... 135 00:12:57,216 --> 00:12:59,843 frankly, yes. 136 00:12:59,844 --> 00:13:02,096 A bit. 137 00:13:02,097 --> 00:13:04,641 Her behaviour did seem to me... 138 00:13:04,642 --> 00:13:07,936 Her behaviour did seem to me. Who was there to see... 139 00:13:07,937 --> 00:13:10,564 to be a little odd. 140 00:13:10,565 --> 00:13:12,233 - Odd? - To an extent. 141 00:13:12,234 --> 00:13:14,693 I'm not by nature a suspicious person. 142 00:13:14,694 --> 00:13:18,697 I've got a reputation of an after-dinner speaker, if you get my meaning. 143 00:13:18,698 --> 00:13:20,282 I certainly do. 144 00:13:20,283 --> 00:13:23,787 And in the area where people know me, I'm very well known. 145 00:13:23,788 --> 00:13:26,457 - Fine. Would you... - Certainly. 146 00:13:26,458 --> 00:13:29,543 It was time to face the facts, stop beating about the bush... 147 00:13:29,544 --> 00:13:32,296 or I'd never be able to look myself in the bathroom mirror again. 148 00:13:32,297 --> 00:13:36,635 Would you mind running along for 10... make it 20 minutes. All right? 149 00:13:36,636 --> 00:13:39,715 Yes. I'll wait outside, shall I? 150 00:13:43,143 --> 00:13:46,813 Yes, that-that's perhaps the best thing. 151 00:13:46,814 --> 00:13:51,614 Certainly set my mind at rest on one or two scores there. 152 00:14:07,796 --> 00:14:10,053 Arthur Putey! 153 00:14:10,673 --> 00:14:14,511 Are you a man or a mouse? 154 00:14:14,512 --> 00:14:17,347 You've been running too long, Arthur Putey. 155 00:14:17,348 --> 00:14:22,148 It's time to stop, time to turn and fight like a man. 156 00:14:22,688 --> 00:14:25,356 Go back in there, Arthur Putey. 157 00:14:25,357 --> 00:14:29,694 Go back in there and pull your finger out. 158 00:14:29,695 --> 00:14:32,697 Yes! Yes, you're right. 159 00:14:32,698 --> 00:14:35,617 This is it, Arthur Putey! 160 00:14:35,618 --> 00:14:38,997 This is your moment, Arthur Putey! 161 00:14:38,998 --> 00:14:42,844 At last you're a man! 162 00:14:46,839 --> 00:14:49,216 Come out of there. Dierdre! I know you're in there. 163 00:14:49,217 --> 00:14:52,449 - Go away! - Righto. 164 00:15:19,459 --> 00:15:22,384 Oh, what a lovely little. 165 00:15:31,722 --> 00:15:34,647 Oh, what a lovely little... 166 00:15:44,445 --> 00:15:48,157 - Oh, what a lovely little... - Stop it! Stop right there! 167 00:15:48,158 --> 00:15:52,245 This is absolutely disgusting, and I'm not going to stand for it! 168 00:15:52,246 --> 00:15:54,656 There. Kill. 169 00:16:52,773 --> 00:16:56,733 Cut! That's it. We're not going to allow this sort of smut on the screen. 170 00:16:56,734 --> 00:16:59,945 This depraved and degrading spectacle is going to stop right now. 171 00:16:59,946 --> 00:17:04,309 - Do you hear me? Stop it! - Damn I Just when it was getting good. 172 00:17:11,042 --> 00:17:13,454 Evening, squire. 173 00:17:25,851 --> 00:17:27,543 You married? 174 00:17:28,354 --> 00:17:31,730 - Yes. - I'm a bachelor myself. 175 00:17:31,731 --> 00:17:34,234 Is... Is your wife a goer? 176 00:17:34,235 --> 00:17:36,403 Eh? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge. 177 00:17:36,404 --> 00:17:38,906 - Know what I mean? Say no more. - I beg your pardon? 178 00:17:38,907 --> 00:17:43,707 Your wife, does she go? Eh? Know what I mean? Does she go? 179 00:17:43,746 --> 00:17:46,456 - She sometimes goes. - I'll bet she does. 180 00:17:46,457 --> 00:17:49,418 Say no more. Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge. 181 00:17:49,419 --> 00:17:52,379 - I'm afraid I don't quite follow you. - Follow me. 182 00:17:52,380 --> 00:17:56,634 That's good. A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat. 183 00:17:56,635 --> 00:18:00,972 - Look, are you selling something? - Selling. Selling. Very good. 184 00:18:00,973 --> 00:18:03,266 Know what I mean? 185 00:18:03,267 --> 00:18:06,603 Oh, wicked. You're wicked, eh? Nudge, nudge. 186 00:18:06,604 --> 00:18:09,690 A nod's as good as a wink to a blind bat. 187 00:18:09,691 --> 00:18:13,194 - But... - Your wife a sport, eh? 188 00:18:13,195 --> 00:18:17,240 - She likes sport, yes. - I bet she does. 189 00:18:17,241 --> 00:18:19,284 She's very fond of cricket. 190 00:18:19,285 --> 00:18:22,121 Who isn't, eh? Likes games. 191 00:18:22,122 --> 00:18:24,666 Knew she would. Who doesn't. Eh? 192 00:18:24,667 --> 00:18:26,751 She's been around a bit. Eh? 193 00:18:26,752 --> 00:18:28,836 She's travelled. She's from Purley. 194 00:18:28,837 --> 00:18:32,121 Oh! Say no more. 195 00:18:34,093 --> 00:18:36,659 Know what I mean? Say no more. 196 00:18:38,765 --> 00:18:42,894 Your wife interested in, uh, photography, eh? 197 00:18:42,895 --> 00:18:46,482 "Photographs, eh?" he asked him knowingly. 198 00:18:46,483 --> 00:18:49,818 - Photography? - Yeah. Snap. Grin. Wink. Nudge. 199 00:18:49,819 --> 00:18:53,405 - Holiday stamps? - Could be taken on holiday. Could be. 200 00:18:53,406 --> 00:18:56,242 Swimming costumes. Nudge, nudge. 201 00:18:56,243 --> 00:18:59,996 - Candid photography. - No. I'm afraid we don't have a camera. 202 00:18:59,997 --> 00:19:02,409 Oh. Still. 203 00:19:06,380 --> 00:19:09,202 Look, are you trying to insinuate something? 204 00:19:11,678 --> 00:19:14,429 - Yes. - Well? 205 00:19:14,430 --> 00:19:17,349 Well, I mean, you're a man of the world, aren't ya? 206 00:19:17,350 --> 00:19:21,187 I mean, you know, you've, uh... you've been around. You've been there. 207 00:19:21,188 --> 00:19:24,524 - What do you mean? - Well, you know, you've... 208 00:19:24,525 --> 00:19:27,194 You've done it, uh, with a lady. 209 00:19:27,195 --> 00:19:30,785 - You've slept with a lady. - Yes. 210 00:19:31,283 --> 00:19:32,924 What's it like? 211 00:19:33,660 --> 00:19:36,789 Well, I think it's overrated. 212 00:19:37,582 --> 00:19:39,993 Shut up, you! 213 00:19:41,376 --> 00:19:44,546 - Good evening, class! - Good evening. 214 00:19:44,547 --> 00:19:47,133 - Where's all the others, then? - They're not here. 215 00:19:47,134 --> 00:19:50,345 I can see that! What's the matter with'em? 216 00:19:50,346 --> 00:19:52,473 - Don't know. - Perhaps they've got flu. 217 00:19:52,474 --> 00:19:56,474 Flu! They should eat more fresh fruit! 218 00:19:59,189 --> 00:20:02,275 Right! Now, self-defence! 219 00:20:02,276 --> 00:20:05,694 Tonight I shall be carrying on from where we got to last week... 220 00:20:05,695 --> 00:20:10,242 when I was showing you how to defend yourselves against anyone... 221 00:20:10,243 --> 00:20:15,043 who attacks you armed with a piece of fresh fruit. 222 00:20:15,666 --> 00:20:19,127 - You said we wouldn't do fruit again. - What do you mean? 223 00:20:19,128 --> 00:20:21,587 We've done fresh fruit for the last nine weeks. 224 00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:25,384 What's wrong with fruit? You think you know it all, eh? 225 00:20:25,385 --> 00:20:27,052 Can't we try something else? 226 00:20:27,053 --> 00:20:29,388 Like someone who attacks you with a pointed stick. 227 00:20:29,389 --> 00:20:31,749 Pointed stick? 228 00:20:33,561 --> 00:20:38,274 We want to learn how to defend ourselves against pointed sticks, do we? 229 00:20:38,275 --> 00:20:41,318 Getting all high and mighty, eh? 230 00:20:41,319 --> 00:20:44,911 Fresh fruit not good enough for you, eh? 231 00:20:45,324 --> 00:20:47,992 Well, let me tell you something, my lad! 232 00:20:47,993 --> 00:20:51,788 When you're walking home tonight and some great homicidal maniac... 233 00:20:51,789 --> 00:20:56,589 comes after you with a bunch of loganberries, don't come crying to me! 234 00:20:56,920 --> 00:21:01,341 Right! And now the passion fruit. 235 00:21:01,342 --> 00:21:05,303 When your assailant lunges at you with a passion fruit, like thus... 236 00:21:05,304 --> 00:21:08,223 - We done the passion fruit. - What? 237 00:21:08,224 --> 00:21:12,561 - We've done the passion fruit. - We done oranges, apples, grapefruit's... 238 00:21:12,562 --> 00:21:16,816 - Whole and segments. - Greengages, pomegranates. 239 00:21:16,817 --> 00:21:19,403 - Grapes, passion fruit. - Lemons. 240 00:21:19,404 --> 00:21:23,365 - Plums. - And mangoes in syrup. 241 00:21:23,366 --> 00:21:26,160 - How about cherries? - We done them. 242 00:21:26,161 --> 00:21:28,932 - Red and black? - Yes. 243 00:21:29,497 --> 00:21:31,909 All right, then. 244 00:21:34,003 --> 00:21:37,506 Bananas. We haven't done bananas, have we? 245 00:21:37,507 --> 00:21:39,843 - No. - Right! 246 00:21:39,844 --> 00:21:44,138 How to defend yourself against a man armed with a banana! 247 00:21:44,139 --> 00:21:48,939 Catch. Now, it's quite simple to deal with a banana fiend. 248 00:21:49,270 --> 00:21:52,981 First of all, you force him to drop the banana. 249 00:21:52,982 --> 00:21:56,819 Then you eat the banana, thus disarming him. 250 00:21:56,820 --> 00:21:58,821 You have now rendered him helpless! 251 00:21:58,822 --> 00:22:01,867 - Suppose he's got a bunch. - Shut up. 252 00:22:01,868 --> 00:22:05,664 - Suppose he's got a pointed stick. - Shut up! 253 00:22:06,039 --> 00:22:08,374 Right! Now you, Mr. Apricot. 254 00:22:08,375 --> 00:22:11,086 - Harrison. - Sorry. Mr. Harrison. 255 00:22:11,087 --> 00:22:13,171 Come at me with that banana. 256 00:22:13,172 --> 00:22:17,884 Be as vicious as you like with it. Come on. Attack me! 257 00:22:17,885 --> 00:22:20,637 No, no, no! Put something into it, for God's... 258 00:22:20,638 --> 00:22:23,141 Hold the banana like that. 259 00:22:23,142 --> 00:22:25,685 That's better. Now scream. 260 00:22:25,686 --> 00:22:28,063 Good. Right. Now attack me. 261 00:22:28,064 --> 00:22:31,141 Come on, man, attack me! 262 00:22:34,696 --> 00:22:37,673 Next, I eat the banana. 263 00:22:40,328 --> 00:22:43,038 Now, I would just like to point out... 264 00:22:43,039 --> 00:22:47,293 that this film is displaying a distinct tendency to become silly. 265 00:22:47,294 --> 00:22:51,589 Now, nobody likes a good laugh more than I do. 266 00:22:51,590 --> 00:22:55,676 Except, perhaps, my wife and some of her friends. 267 00:22:55,677 --> 00:22:57,554 Oh, yes, and Captain John son. 268 00:22:57,555 --> 00:23:00,516 Come to think of it, most people like a good laugh more than I do. 269 00:23:00,517 --> 00:23:05,062 But that's beside the point. I'm warning this film not to get silly again. 270 00:23:05,063 --> 00:23:09,734 Right. Now, Director, on the command "Cut"... 271 00:23:09,735 --> 00:23:12,112 cut to the next scene. 272 00:23:12,113 --> 00:23:15,282 - Director... - This is a frightened city. 273 00:23:15,283 --> 00:23:17,952 Wait for it. 274 00:23:17,953 --> 00:23:20,454 Director, cut! 275 00:23:20,455 --> 00:23:23,125 This is a frightened city. 276 00:23:23,126 --> 00:23:27,296 Over these streets, over these houses, hangs a pall of fear. 277 00:23:27,297 --> 00:23:31,863 An ugly kind of violence is rife, stalking the town. 278 00:23:34,138 --> 00:23:38,938 Yes, gangs of old ladies attacking fit, defenceless young men. 279 00:24:01,502 --> 00:24:04,171 They just come up to you and push you, like. 280 00:24:04,172 --> 00:24:08,508 Shove you off the pavement. There's usually about four or five of them. 281 00:24:08,509 --> 00:24:12,096 Yeah, sometimes it's three or four of them. 282 00:24:12,097 --> 00:24:16,818 It's not even safe to go out down to the shops any more. 283 00:24:17,102 --> 00:24:21,690 Grannies are no respecter of race, creed or sex. 284 00:24:21,691 --> 00:24:24,317 Theirs is a harsh. Ruthless world... 285 00:24:24,318 --> 00:24:29,118 a tough world, a world in which the surgical stocking is king. 286 00:24:29,615 --> 00:24:32,493 But what are they in it for, these senile delinquents... 287 00:24:32,494 --> 00:24:34,913 these layabouts in lace? 288 00:24:34,914 --> 00:24:38,208 - Oh, the violence. - The prestige, mainly. 289 00:24:38,209 --> 00:24:41,629 - The free gifts. - Poking the knee in the groin. 290 00:24:41,630 --> 00:24:44,048 We like pulling the heads off sheep. 291 00:24:44,049 --> 00:24:47,010 And tea cakes. 292 00:24:47,011 --> 00:24:50,515 We have a lot of trouble with grannies. Pension day is the worst. 293 00:24:50,516 --> 00:24:52,474 Soon as they get it, they blow the lot... 294 00:24:52,475 --> 00:24:55,978 on milk, tea, sugar, a tin of meat for their cat. 295 00:24:55,979 --> 00:24:59,023 The whole crux of the problem, uh... 296 00:24:59,024 --> 00:25:02,069 lies in the basic dissatisfaction... 297 00:25:02,070 --> 00:25:06,156 of these senile delinquents with the world as they find it. 298 00:25:06,157 --> 00:25:09,576 They begin to question, uh, the values of their society. 299 00:25:09,577 --> 00:25:11,913 They see their sons and daughters growing up... 300 00:25:11,914 --> 00:25:16,252 to become accountants, uh, solicitors, sociologists even. 301 00:25:16,253 --> 00:25:19,894 And they begin to wonder, "Is it all worth it? Is it all..." 302 00:25:31,018 --> 00:25:35,818 Another prime target for vandalism is telephone boxes. 303 00:25:37,777 --> 00:25:40,188 But mostly, they just live for kicks. 304 00:25:53,293 --> 00:25:56,212 But there are other kinds of violence abroad... 305 00:25:56,213 --> 00:25:58,757 other gangs, equally vicious, equally determined... 306 00:25:58,758 --> 00:26:01,118 such as the baby snatchers. 307 00:26:04,806 --> 00:26:07,349 Hey What is this? 308 00:26:07,350 --> 00:26:09,602 Hey! Help! 309 00:26:09,603 --> 00:26:13,649 I left him outside for a few moments while I got some Brillo Pads. 310 00:26:13,650 --> 00:26:17,443 When I came back, he was gone. He was only 48! 311 00:26:17,444 --> 00:26:21,961 And also vicious gangs of "Keep Left" signs. 312 00:26:27,123 --> 00:26:29,124 Right! Stop that! 313 00:26:29,125 --> 00:26:31,918 It's silly. Very silly, indeed. 314 00:26:31,919 --> 00:26:35,757 It started off as a nice little idea about old ladies attacking young men... 315 00:26:35,758 --> 00:26:38,051 but now it's just got silly. 316 00:26:38,052 --> 00:26:40,179 His hair's too long for a vicar too. 317 00:26:40,180 --> 00:26:44,850 And you can tell those are not proper "Keep Left" signs. Clear off, the lot of you! 318 00:26:44,851 --> 00:26:47,211 You, come with me. 319 00:26:50,316 --> 00:26:55,116 Right. Now let's see something decent and military: Some precision drilling. 320 00:26:55,321 --> 00:26:59,322 Squad! Camp it up! 321 00:26:59,701 --> 00:27:01,744 Ooh, get her! Whoops! 322 00:27:01,745 --> 00:27:06,545 I've got your number, but you couldn't afford me, dear, two, three. 323 00:27:07,042 --> 00:27:09,586 I'll scratch your eyes out. 324 00:27:09,587 --> 00:27:13,090 Don't come the bigger dear bitch with us. Dear. 325 00:27:13,091 --> 00:27:17,511 We all know where you've been, you military fairy, two, three. 326 00:27:17,512 --> 00:27:20,348 One, two, three, four, five, six. 327 00:27:20,349 --> 00:27:22,851 Whoops! Don't look now, girls. 328 00:27:22,852 --> 00:27:26,355 The maid is just mince in that jolly colour, Sergeant. 329 00:27:26,356 --> 00:27:28,921 Two, three. Ooh! 330 00:27:29,776 --> 00:27:32,403 Right! Stop that. Silly. 331 00:27:32,404 --> 00:27:36,663 And a bit suspect, I think. Time for a cartoon. 332 00:27:37,285 --> 00:27:39,578 Once upon a time... 333 00:27:39,579 --> 00:27:42,331 there was an enchanted prince... 334 00:27:42,332 --> 00:27:45,924 who ruled the land beyond the Wobbles. 335 00:27:47,379 --> 00:27:52,179 One day he discovered a spot on his face. 336 00:27:53,302 --> 00:27:55,554 Foolishly, he ignored it. 337 00:27:55,555 --> 00:27:59,433 And three years later, he died of cancer. 338 00:27:59,434 --> 00:28:01,436 The spot, however, flourished... 339 00:28:01,437 --> 00:28:05,079 and soon set out to seek its fortune. 340 00:28:38,937 --> 00:28:42,190 Agnes, did you just see who moved in next door? 341 00:28:42,191 --> 00:28:45,318 Yes. Black as the ace of spades, they were. 342 00:28:45,319 --> 00:28:48,280 Oh, well, there goes the neighbourhood. 343 00:28:48,281 --> 00:28:50,641 Oh, yes. 344 00:29:10,180 --> 00:29:12,592 Next, please. 345 00:29:15,061 --> 00:29:17,472 One at a time, please. 346 00:29:18,523 --> 00:29:21,037 There is only me, sir. 347 00:29:25,865 --> 00:29:29,251 So there is. Take a, um... 348 00:29:30,161 --> 00:29:33,204 - Seat? - Seat. Take a seat. 349 00:29:33,205 --> 00:29:37,875 So, you want to join my mountaineering expedition, do you? 350 00:29:38,630 --> 00:29:41,380 Who, me, sir? 351 00:29:41,381 --> 00:29:45,487 - Yes, I'd very much like to, sir. - Jolly good. 352 00:29:45,762 --> 00:29:48,173 And how about you? 353 00:29:49,016 --> 00:29:52,402 There is only me, sir. 354 00:29:57,441 --> 00:30:01,112 Well, bang goes his application then. 355 00:30:01,113 --> 00:30:04,240 Now, let me fill you in. I'm leading this expedition... 356 00:30:04,241 --> 00:30:08,452 and we're going to climb both peaks of Mount Kilimanjaro. 357 00:30:08,453 --> 00:30:11,892 I thought there was only one peak, sir. 358 00:30:23,429 --> 00:30:27,224 Well. That I save a bit of time. Well done. 359 00:30:27,225 --> 00:30:30,144 Now, the object of this year's expedition... 360 00:30:30,145 --> 00:30:33,773 is to see if we can find any trace of last year's expedition. 361 00:30:33,774 --> 00:30:36,735 - Last year's expedition? - Yes. My brother was leading that. 362 00:30:36,736 --> 00:30:40,943 They were going to build a bridge between the two peaks. 363 00:30:45,746 --> 00:30:47,789 My idea, I'm afraid. 364 00:30:47,790 --> 00:30:51,043 I ought to tell you that I have almost everyone I need for this expedition. 365 00:30:51,044 --> 00:30:53,920 But what special qualifications do you have? 366 00:30:53,921 --> 00:30:56,590 - Well, sir... - Yes, you first. 367 00:30:56,591 --> 00:30:58,926 - There is only me, sir. - I wasn't talking to you. 368 00:30:58,927 --> 00:31:03,727 - Carry on. - I'm a fully qualified mountaineer. 369 00:31:04,891 --> 00:31:07,253 Mountaineer? 370 00:31:12,109 --> 00:31:14,986 Mouse. Moun... 371 00:31:14,987 --> 00:31:19,657 Mountaineer: Two men skilled at climbing a mountain. 372 00:31:19,658 --> 00:31:22,328 By Jove, that'd be useful. 373 00:31:22,329 --> 00:31:25,664 Well, you're in. Congratulations. 374 00:31:25,665 --> 00:31:28,542 Both of you. Now, what are your names? 375 00:31:28,543 --> 00:31:30,954 Arthur Wilson. 376 00:31:32,840 --> 00:31:34,341 Well, look. 377 00:31:34,342 --> 00:31:37,720 I'll call you Arthur Wilson One and you Arthur Wilson Two... 378 00:31:37,721 --> 00:31:39,722 just to avoid confusion. 379 00:31:39,723 --> 00:31:42,016 Are you actually leading this expedition? 380 00:31:42,017 --> 00:31:44,852 Yes, we are leading this expedition to Africa. 381 00:31:44,853 --> 00:31:48,357 - What routes will you both be following? - Good questions. 382 00:31:48,358 --> 00:31:52,194 We'll be leaving on one or other of the January the 22... 383 00:31:52,195 --> 00:31:54,488 and taking the following routes: 384 00:31:54,489 --> 00:31:57,032 From Manchester's, down through Oxfords... 385 00:31:57,033 --> 00:32:00,078 taking the M1.5 through London's to Purleys... 386 00:32:00,079 --> 00:32:03,207 then the A25s from Purleys to Dover's. 387 00:32:03,208 --> 00:32:06,042 Thence Africans to Nairobis. 388 00:32:06,043 --> 00:32:10,715 We take the south roads out of Nairobis for about 12 miles and then ask. 389 00:32:10,716 --> 00:32:13,927 - Does anyone speak Swahili? - Most of them do down there. 390 00:32:13,928 --> 00:32:16,888 No. Does anyone in our party speak Swahili, sir? 391 00:32:16,889 --> 00:32:19,808 - Well, Matron's got a smattering. - Apart from the two Matrons. 392 00:32:19,809 --> 00:32:22,269 Good Lord. I forgot about her. 393 00:32:22,270 --> 00:32:24,939 Apart from them, who else is coming on our expedition? 394 00:32:24,940 --> 00:32:28,234 Well, we've got the Arthur Brown twins... 395 00:32:28,235 --> 00:32:31,863 two botanists called Madchen, the William Johnston brothers... 396 00:32:31,864 --> 00:32:34,909 - Two of them. - Four. Pair of identical twins. 397 00:32:34,910 --> 00:32:38,398 Two of the Harry Baker quads and you two. 398 00:32:38,455 --> 00:32:41,791 - And none of these are mountaineers? - Well, you two are. 399 00:32:41,792 --> 00:32:44,586 And we've got a brace of guides called Jimmy Blankensoft... 400 00:32:44,587 --> 00:32:47,965 because Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb. 401 00:32:47,966 --> 00:32:51,177 Most of it's up, till we reach the very top... 402 00:32:51,178 --> 00:32:53,845 and then it tends to slope away rather sharply. 403 00:32:53,846 --> 00:32:58,311 But Jimmy's put his heads together and worked out a way up. Jimmy 404 00:32:59,145 --> 00:33:02,439 Jimmy Blankensoft, Arthur Wilson. Arthur Wilson, Jimmy Blankensoft. 405 00:33:02,440 --> 00:33:04,107 Jimmy Blankensoft Two, Arthur Wilson Two. 406 00:33:04,108 --> 00:33:06,444 Arthur Wilson Two, Jimmy Blankensoft One. 407 00:33:06,445 --> 00:33:09,865 - Carry on, Jimmy. - Don't worry about the... 408 00:33:09,866 --> 00:33:12,636 We'll get him up, all right. 409 00:33:18,458 --> 00:33:23,258 Well, I'd better describe the route. We start off simply up Kilimanjaro... 410 00:33:25,800 --> 00:33:28,468 Quite simple. No problem there, basically. 411 00:33:28,469 --> 00:33:32,932 And then we go on to the main face itself of Kilimanjaro. 412 00:33:32,933 --> 00:33:35,910 It's a bit difficult here because... 413 00:33:39,815 --> 00:33:42,317 There's a difficult bit 'round here when you've got to go... 414 00:33:42,318 --> 00:33:45,822 from the end of the mantel-piece onto the coffee table. 415 00:33:45,823 --> 00:33:48,991 It's a bit of a difficult jump. We don't need those. 416 00:33:48,992 --> 00:33:52,745 Then you've got the rail up here, which is quite a good fortune. 417 00:33:52,746 --> 00:33:57,000 There's a terribly easy bit over the floor up onto the chair. 418 00:33:57,001 --> 00:33:59,567 And then we've got... 419 00:34:00,840 --> 00:34:03,456 We get down. We go quite simplistic. 420 00:34:07,680 --> 00:34:09,848 He'll be leading the first assault. 421 00:34:09,849 --> 00:34:12,560 I'm afraid I shan't be coming on your expedition, sir... 422 00:34:12,561 --> 00:34:17,361 'cause I have absolutely no confidence in anyone involved in it! 423 00:34:19,193 --> 00:34:21,039 Oh. Dear. 424 00:34:22,489 --> 00:34:24,907 - What about you? - I'm game, sir. 425 00:34:24,908 --> 00:34:27,320 Jolly good. 426 00:34:29,454 --> 00:34:30,941 Good Lord! 427 00:34:58,404 --> 00:35:00,530 And now for something completely different. 428 00:35:00,531 --> 00:35:02,741 - Inspector! - Yes, sir? 429 00:35:02,742 --> 00:35:05,410 I was sitting on a park bench and I put my coat down. 430 00:35:05,411 --> 00:35:09,748 When I picked it up, I found my wallet had gone and Ј15 had been stolen. 431 00:35:09,749 --> 00:35:14,112 - Did you see anyone? - No, no one at all. 432 00:35:15,423 --> 00:35:18,809 Well, there's very little we can do about that, sir. 433 00:35:27,770 --> 00:35:30,847 Do you want to come back to my place? 434 00:35:34,694 --> 00:35:37,156 Yeah, all right. 435 00:36:14,280 --> 00:36:17,282 And so Miss Spume returned to her typing... 436 00:36:17,283 --> 00:36:19,492 and dreamed her little dreamy dreams... 437 00:36:19,493 --> 00:36:23,706 unaware of the cruel trick fate had in store for her. 438 00:36:23,707 --> 00:36:26,251 For Miss Spume was about to fall victim... 439 00:36:26,252 --> 00:36:30,672 of the dreaded international Chinese communist conspiracy. 440 00:36:30,673 --> 00:36:33,008 Yes, these fanatical fiends... 441 00:36:33,009 --> 00:36:36,805 under the leadership of the so-called Mao Tse-tung... 442 00:36:36,806 --> 00:36:41,606 had caught Miss Spume off guard for one brief but fatal moment... 443 00:36:43,729 --> 00:36:46,142 and destroyed her... 444 00:36:46,900 --> 00:36:50,444 just as they are ready to go any time free men anywhere... 445 00:36:50,445 --> 00:36:53,883 waver in their defence of democracy. 446 00:37:02,751 --> 00:37:05,252 Once again, American defence... 447 00:37:05,253 --> 00:37:08,506 proves its effectiveness against international communism. 448 00:37:08,507 --> 00:37:11,886 Using this diagram of a tooth to represent any small country... 449 00:37:11,887 --> 00:37:14,388 we can see how international communism works... 450 00:37:14,389 --> 00:37:17,518 by eroding away from within. 451 00:37:21,898 --> 00:37:23,899 When one country, or tooth... 452 00:37:23,900 --> 00:37:28,700 falls victim to international communism, its neighbours soon follow. 453 00:37:28,738 --> 00:37:32,367 In dentistry, this is known as the domino theory. 454 00:37:32,368 --> 00:37:37,081 But with American defence, the decay is stopped before it starts. 455 00:37:37,082 --> 00:37:41,882 That's why nine out of ten small countries choose American defence. 456 00:37:42,044 --> 00:37:46,423 Or Crelm toothpaste with the miracle ingredient Frauduline. 457 00:37:46,424 --> 00:37:49,094 The white car represents Crelm toothpaste... 458 00:37:49,095 --> 00:37:51,263 with the miracle ingredient Frauduline. 459 00:37:51,264 --> 00:37:55,317 The not-white car represents another toothpaste. 460 00:37:57,103 --> 00:38:00,285 Both cars provide 30% protection. 461 00:38:01,567 --> 00:38:05,107 At 60% protection, both cars are doing well. 462 00:38:06,113 --> 00:38:08,699 At 90% protection... Wait. 463 00:38:08,700 --> 00:38:10,534 The not-white car is out... 464 00:38:10,535 --> 00:38:14,456 and Crelm toothpaste goes on to win with 100% protection. 465 00:38:14,457 --> 00:38:17,249 Yes. Do like all smart motorists. 466 00:38:17,250 --> 00:38:19,461 Choose Crelm toothpaste! 467 00:38:19,462 --> 00:38:24,008 Or Shrill petrol, with the new additive GLC-9424075... 468 00:38:24,009 --> 00:38:26,469 after 6:00 p.m., 9424047. 469 00:38:26,470 --> 00:38:29,222 Using this white card to represent engine deposits... 470 00:38:29,223 --> 00:38:34,023 and this black card to represent Shrill's new additive, GLC-9424075... 471 00:38:34,229 --> 00:38:36,814 after 6:00 p.m., 9424047... 472 00:38:36,815 --> 00:38:40,150 we can see how the engine deposits are pushed off the face of the earth... 473 00:38:40,151 --> 00:38:42,922 by the superior forces available to Sh... 474 00:38:48,494 --> 00:38:50,329 This is the police. 475 00:38:50,330 --> 00:38:53,456 We know you're in there, so come out with your hands up. 476 00:38:53,457 --> 00:38:55,876 You'll never take me alive copper! 477 00:38:55,877 --> 00:38:59,007 All right, then. Sergeant! 478 00:39:17,193 --> 00:39:21,401 Conrad Poohs and His Dancing Teeth. 479 00:40:08,250 --> 00:40:13,005 Thank you, thank you, Conrad Poohs and His Exploding Teeth. 480 00:40:13,006 --> 00:40:16,717 A smile, two fangs and an "Excuse me". 481 00:40:16,718 --> 00:40:19,428 And next tonight, gentlemen and ladies... 482 00:40:19,429 --> 00:40:22,933 here at the Peep-hole Club for the very first time... 483 00:40:22,934 --> 00:40:24,935 we're very proud to welcome... 484 00:40:24,936 --> 00:40:29,736 Ken Ewing and His Musical Mice. 485 00:40:37,117 --> 00:40:39,243 Thank you, thank you. 486 00:40:39,244 --> 00:40:42,996 Ladies and gentlemen, I have in this box... 487 00:40:42,997 --> 00:40:45,541 23 white mice... 488 00:40:45,542 --> 00:40:49,045 mice which I have painstakingly trained... 489 00:40:49,046 --> 00:40:51,047 over the past few years... 490 00:40:51,048 --> 00:40:54,845 to squeak at a selected pitch. 491 00:40:55,303 --> 00:40:57,304 This one is "A" -Sharp... 492 00:40:57,305 --> 00:41:00,016 and this one is "G". 493 00:41:00,017 --> 00:41:03,936 "G", "A"-Sharp. You get the general idea. 494 00:41:03,937 --> 00:41:08,150 Now, these mice are so arranged upon this rack... 495 00:41:08,151 --> 00:41:11,486 that when played in the correct order... 496 00:41:11,487 --> 00:41:13,323 they will squeak... 497 00:41:13,324 --> 00:41:16,366 "Three Blinded White Mice." 498 00:41:16,367 --> 00:41:19,829 Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, on the mouse organ... 499 00:41:19,830 --> 00:41:22,457 "Three Blinded White Mice." 500 00:41:22,458 --> 00:41:24,563 Thank you. 501 00:41:27,214 --> 00:41:30,549 - Oh, my God! - Somebody stop him. 502 00:41:53,409 --> 00:41:55,821 Ten seconds, studio. 503 00:41:57,414 --> 00:42:00,544 Stop him! Stop that bastard! 504 00:42:03,587 --> 00:42:07,758 Hello, and welcome to another edition of It's the Arts. 505 00:42:07,759 --> 00:42:12,096 And we kick off this evening with a look at the cinema. 506 00:42:12,097 --> 00:42:16,559 One of the most prolific film directors of this age, or indeed, of any age... 507 00:42:16,560 --> 00:42:20,356 is Sir Edward Ross, back in this country for the first time in five years... 508 00:42:20,357 --> 00:42:24,360 to open a season of his films at the National Film Theatre. 509 00:42:24,361 --> 00:42:28,113 And we are indeed fortunate to have him with us in the studio this evening. 510 00:42:28,114 --> 00:42:30,283 - Good evening. - Edward... 511 00:42:30,284 --> 00:42:32,786 - You don't mind if I call you Edward? - Not at all. 512 00:42:32,787 --> 00:42:35,247 It does seem to worry some people. I'm not sure why. 513 00:42:35,248 --> 00:42:38,918 Some are sensitive, so I do take the precaution of asking on these occasions. 514 00:42:38,919 --> 00:42:42,547 - No, that's fine. - So Edward it is. Splendid. 515 00:42:42,548 --> 00:42:45,759 - I'm sorry to have brought it up. - No. Edward it is. 516 00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:48,554 Thank you very much for being so helpful. 517 00:42:48,555 --> 00:42:52,558 - At times it's more than my job's worth. - Quite. 518 00:42:52,559 --> 00:42:56,521 Makes it hard to establish a rapport, to put the other person at his ease. 519 00:42:56,522 --> 00:42:58,523 - Quite. - Quite. 520 00:42:58,524 --> 00:43:01,277 Silly little point, but it does seem to matter. 521 00:43:01,278 --> 00:43:05,864 Still less said the better. Ted, when you first went in the film... 522 00:43:05,865 --> 00:43:08,618 You don't mind if I call you Ted, as opposed to Edward? 523 00:43:08,619 --> 00:43:10,786 - No. Everyone calls me Ted. - Splendid. 524 00:43:10,787 --> 00:43:13,707 - Because it's much shorter, isn't it? - Yes, it is. 525 00:43:13,708 --> 00:43:17,127 - Much less formal. - Ted, Edward, anything. 526 00:43:17,128 --> 00:43:19,671 Splendid. Incidentally, do call me Tom. 527 00:43:19,672 --> 00:43:23,316 I don't want you bothering with any of this "Thomas" nonsense. 528 00:43:25,596 --> 00:43:28,306 Fine. Where were we? Eddie baby, when you first... 529 00:43:28,307 --> 00:43:32,311 I'm sorry. I don't like being called Eddie baby. 530 00:43:32,312 --> 00:43:35,815 - I beg your pardon? - I don't like being called Eddie baby. 531 00:43:35,816 --> 00:43:38,330 Now get on with your interview. 532 00:43:39,028 --> 00:43:42,531 - Did I call you Eddie baby? - Yes, you did. 533 00:43:42,532 --> 00:43:45,701 I don't think I did. Did I call him Eddie baby? 534 00:43:45,702 --> 00:43:48,454 Yes, you did! 535 00:43:48,455 --> 00:43:50,874 I didn't call you Eddie baby, did I, sweetie? 536 00:43:50,875 --> 00:43:53,418 - Don't call me sweetie. - Can I call you sugar plum? 537 00:43:53,419 --> 00:43:55,003 - No! - Pussy-cat? 538 00:43:55,004 --> 00:43:57,380 - No! - Angel drawers? 539 00:43:57,381 --> 00:43:59,758 No, you may not. 540 00:43:59,759 --> 00:44:02,479 - Now get on with it. - Can I call you Frank? 541 00:44:03,930 --> 00:44:06,932 - Why Frank? - Frank's a nice name. 542 00:44:06,933 --> 00:44:09,853 President Nixon's got a hedgehog called Frank. 543 00:44:09,854 --> 00:44:13,524 - What is going on? - Frank. Frankie. Fran. Frannie. 544 00:44:13,525 --> 00:44:16,985 - Little Frannie Boo. - That's it. I'm leaving. 545 00:44:16,986 --> 00:44:19,739 Had enough of this. I've never been so insulted. 546 00:44:19,740 --> 00:44:22,951 - Tell us about your film, Sir Edward. - What? 547 00:44:22,952 --> 00:44:27,122 Tell us about your latest film, Sir Edward, if you'd be so kind. 548 00:44:27,123 --> 00:44:30,918 - None of this pussy-cat nonsense? - Promise. 549 00:44:30,919 --> 00:44:33,330 Please. Sir Edward. 550 00:44:34,257 --> 00:44:36,668 - My latest film? - Yes, Sir Edward. 551 00:44:37,885 --> 00:44:42,685 I first had the idea, funnily enough, when I joined the industry in 1919. 552 00:44:43,057 --> 00:44:45,727 Of course, in those days I was only a tea boy... 553 00:44:45,728 --> 00:44:47,645 Oh, shut up. 554 00:44:47,646 --> 00:44:50,367 - There he is! - Get him. 555 00:45:00,786 --> 00:45:03,704 Stop him! 556 00:45:03,705 --> 00:45:05,874 He's a murderer! 557 00:45:05,875 --> 00:45:08,752 Come back, you fiend! Fiend! 558 00:45:08,753 --> 00:45:11,165 He's a murderer! 559 00:46:33,682 --> 00:46:36,863 "The room is full of milkmen..." 560 00:46:37,353 --> 00:46:41,199 some of whom are... 561 00:46:41,398 --> 00:46:46,067 "are very old." 562 00:46:50,367 --> 00:46:52,952 This man is Ernest Scribbler... 563 00:46:52,953 --> 00:46:55,371 manufacturer of jokes. 564 00:46:55,372 --> 00:46:59,418 In a few moments he will think of the funniest joke in the world... 565 00:46:59,419 --> 00:47:04,219 and as a result he will die laughing. 566 00:47:45,971 --> 00:47:49,056 It was obvious the joke was lethal. 567 00:47:49,057 --> 00:47:51,642 No one could read it and live. 568 00:47:51,643 --> 00:47:55,063 Scribbler's mother, alarmed by the unusual sounds of merriment... 569 00:47:55,064 --> 00:47:59,318 entered the room and found what was, apparently... 570 00:47:59,319 --> 00:48:01,731 a suicide note. 571 00:48:30,395 --> 00:48:32,438 The war against the Hun continues... 572 00:48:32,439 --> 00:48:34,983 and as Britain's brave boys battle against the Bosch... 573 00:48:34,984 --> 00:48:38,279 their leaders are on the lookout for new breakthroughs that could provide... 574 00:48:38,280 --> 00:48:41,870 the ultimate weapon in the war against the Hun. 575 00:48:43,160 --> 00:48:47,289 Here, in this little house in Pinchley, they think maybe they've found it. 576 00:48:47,290 --> 00:48:52,090 It's a joke so deadly, it could have Fritz's forces falling about. 577 00:49:05,517 --> 00:49:07,686 Tests on Salisbury Plain confirm... 578 00:49:07,687 --> 00:49:12,487 the joke's devastating effectiveness at a range of up to 50 yards. 579 00:49:41,391 --> 00:49:45,034 Fantastic! 580 00:49:45,354 --> 00:49:48,149 All through the winter of '43... 581 00:49:48,150 --> 00:49:51,776 we had translators working in joke-proof conditions... 582 00:49:51,777 --> 00:49:55,990 to try and manufacture a German version of the joke. 583 00:49:55,991 --> 00:49:59,495 They worked on one word each for greater safety. 584 00:49:59,496 --> 00:50:04,082 One of them saw two words by mistake and had to spend several weeks in hospital. 585 00:50:04,083 --> 00:50:06,960 But apart from that, things went ahead pretty fast. 586 00:50:06,961 --> 00:50:09,589 And by January we had the joke in a form... 587 00:50:09,590 --> 00:50:13,594 which our troops couldn't understand, but which the Germans could. 588 00:50:13,595 --> 00:50:16,596 So on July the 8th, 1944... 589 00:50:16,597 --> 00:50:18,933 the joke was first told to the enemy... 590 00:50:18,934 --> 00:50:21,345 in the Ardennes. 591 00:50:22,312 --> 00:50:26,059 Squad, tell the joke! 592 00:50:51,928 --> 00:50:54,801 In action, it was deadly. 593 00:51:31,056 --> 00:51:33,622 The German casualties were appalling. 594 00:51:43,194 --> 00:51:46,448 It was a fantastic success over 80,000 times as powerful... 595 00:51:46,449 --> 00:51:49,367 as Britain's great pre-war joke, which was used at Munich... 596 00:51:49,368 --> 00:51:51,780 and one which Hitler couldn't match. 597 00:52:00,714 --> 00:52:04,217 I would like to apologize for the rather poor taste... 598 00:52:04,218 --> 00:52:06,577 of the previous item. 599 00:52:07,555 --> 00:52:10,171 And excuse me, please. 600 00:52:45,222 --> 00:52:47,582 Fleet Street, please. 601 00:52:48,226 --> 00:52:50,227 All right, everybody, stay close. 602 00:52:50,228 --> 00:52:52,395 Don't lag behind. Keep together, everybody. 603 00:52:52,396 --> 00:52:55,681 Remember. Watch out for the killer cars. 604 00:52:59,530 --> 00:53:01,448 Yes, the killer cars. 605 00:53:01,449 --> 00:53:06,249 For years the city had been plagued by ever-increasing pedestrian congestion. 606 00:53:06,537 --> 00:53:08,790 In an attempt to eliminate this problem... 607 00:53:08,791 --> 00:53:11,125 certain fanatical cars,.. 608 00:53:11,126 --> 00:53:14,770 Had taken the law into their own hands. 609 00:53:17,508 --> 00:53:20,010 But the days of the killer cars were numbered... 610 00:53:20,011 --> 00:53:24,218 thanks to the miracle of atomic mutation. 611 00:53:39,533 --> 00:53:42,493 Thank you! You've saved our city! 612 00:53:42,494 --> 00:53:44,856 But at what cost? 613 00:53:49,920 --> 00:53:53,505 Just then as it looked for certain, that the city was about to be eaten... 614 00:53:53,506 --> 00:53:57,765 the earth trembled and the sun was blotted out from the sky. 615 00:53:58,387 --> 00:54:01,140 Suddenly, swarms of giant bees filled the air... 616 00:54:01,141 --> 00:54:05,394 and 300 million armoured horsemen covered with coats of 1,000 different colours... 617 00:54:05,395 --> 00:54:08,397 appeared at every street corner attacking the monster cat... 618 00:54:08,398 --> 00:54:10,776 in a scene of such spectacular proportions... 619 00:54:10,777 --> 00:54:14,571 that it could never in your life be seen in a low-budget film like this. 620 00:54:14,572 --> 00:54:16,907 If you'd notice, my mouth isn't moving either. 621 00:54:16,908 --> 00:54:20,369 But just as the monster cat was starting to weaken... 622 00:54:20,370 --> 00:54:23,602 the earth split apart with a deafening roar and... 623 00:55:11,010 --> 00:55:14,192 Hello. I wish to register a complaint. 624 00:55:15,014 --> 00:55:18,761 - Hello. Miss? - What do you mean, "miss"? 625 00:55:19,436 --> 00:55:23,747 Oh, I'm sorry. I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint. 626 00:55:24,568 --> 00:55:26,776 Sorry. We're closing for lunch. 627 00:55:26,777 --> 00:55:30,114 Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot... 628 00:55:30,115 --> 00:55:33,452 what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique. 629 00:55:33,453 --> 00:55:36,705 Oh, yes, the Norwegian blue. What's wrong with it? 630 00:55:36,706 --> 00:55:38,957 I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 631 00:55:38,958 --> 00:55:41,793 It's dead. That's what's wrong with it. 632 00:55:41,794 --> 00:55:44,672 No, it's resting. Look. 633 00:55:44,673 --> 00:55:49,303 Look, my lad, I know a dead parrot when I see one and I'm looking at one now. 634 00:55:49,304 --> 00:55:51,721 No, that's not dead, it's resting. 635 00:55:51,722 --> 00:55:54,099 - Resting? - Yeah, resting. 636 00:55:54,100 --> 00:55:57,144 Remarkable bird, the Norwegian blue, isn't it? Beautiful plumage. 637 00:55:57,145 --> 00:56:01,316 The plumage don't enter into it. It's still dead. 638 00:56:01,317 --> 00:56:03,779 No, it's resting. 639 00:56:04,654 --> 00:56:08,449 All right, then. If it's resting, I'll wake it up. 640 00:56:08,450 --> 00:56:10,400 Hello, Polly! 641 00:56:11,662 --> 00:56:16,462 I've got a nice, fresh cuttlefish for you if you wake up, Mr. Polly Parrot! 642 00:56:16,500 --> 00:56:19,503 - There, he moved. - No, that was you pushing the cage. 643 00:56:19,504 --> 00:56:21,839 - I didn't. - Yes, you did. 644 00:56:21,840 --> 00:56:24,302 Hello, Polly! 645 00:56:26,220 --> 00:56:28,630 Wakey, wakey! 646 00:56:29,890 --> 00:56:32,517 Rise and shine. 647 00:56:32,518 --> 00:56:35,957 This is your 9:00 alarm call. 648 00:56:40,319 --> 00:56:42,678 That's what I call a dead parrot. 649 00:56:43,280 --> 00:56:45,866 - No, he's stunned. - Stunned? 650 00:56:45,867 --> 00:56:48,368 Yeah, you stunned him just as he was wakin' up. 651 00:56:48,369 --> 00:56:51,747 - Norwegian blues stun easily. - I've had enough of this. 652 00:56:51,748 --> 00:56:55,919 That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I bought it a half hour ago... 653 00:56:55,920 --> 00:56:58,671 you assured me that its total lack of movement... 654 00:56:58,672 --> 00:57:03,343 was due to it being tired and shagged out after a long squall. 655 00:57:03,344 --> 00:57:06,834 Well, he's pining for the fjords. 656 00:57:09,726 --> 00:57:14,231 Pinin' for the fjords? What kind of talk is that? 657 00:57:14,232 --> 00:57:17,776 Look, why did it fall flat on its back the minute I got it home? 658 00:57:17,777 --> 00:57:21,781 Well, the Norwegian blue prefers keeping on its back. Beautiful plumage. 659 00:57:21,782 --> 00:57:26,036 Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot and I discovered... 660 00:57:26,037 --> 00:57:29,831 the only reason it had been sitting on its perch in the first place... 661 00:57:29,832 --> 00:57:33,043 was that it had been nailed there. 662 00:57:33,044 --> 00:57:35,045 Oh, well, of course it was nailed there. 663 00:57:35,046 --> 00:57:39,592 If I hadn't nailed it there, it would have muscled up to those bars and boom. 664 00:57:39,593 --> 00:57:41,544 Look here mate. 665 00:57:42,305 --> 00:57:46,809 This parrot wouldn't boom if you put 4,000 volts through it. 666 00:57:46,810 --> 00:57:49,581 It's bleeding demised. 667 00:57:50,272 --> 00:57:52,273 No, it's pining. 668 00:57:52,274 --> 00:57:57,074 It's not pining, it's passed on. 669 00:57:57,280 --> 00:57:59,740 This parrot is no more. 670 00:57:59,741 --> 00:58:02,160 It has ceased to be. 671 00:58:02,161 --> 00:58:05,704 It's expired and gone to see its maker. 672 00:58:05,705 --> 00:58:09,400 This is a late parrot! 673 00:58:09,710 --> 00:58:11,461 It's a stiff. 674 00:58:11,462 --> 00:58:14,548 Bereft of life. It rests in peace. 675 00:58:14,549 --> 00:58:18,636 If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. 676 00:58:18,637 --> 00:58:22,391 It's run down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. 677 00:58:22,392 --> 00:58:27,192 This is an ex-parrot. 678 00:58:30,150 --> 00:58:32,484 Well. I'd better replace it then. 679 00:58:32,485 --> 00:58:35,322 If you want to get anything done in this country you've got to complain... 680 00:58:35,323 --> 00:58:37,657 till you're blue in the mouth. 681 00:58:37,658 --> 00:58:39,910 Sorry, squire. We're right out of parrots. 682 00:58:39,911 --> 00:58:42,424 I see. I get the picture. 683 00:58:43,707 --> 00:58:48,324 - I've got a slug. - Does it talk? 684 00:58:49,005 --> 00:58:51,005 Not really. 685 00:58:51,006 --> 00:58:54,803 Well, it's scarcely a replacement then, is it? 686 00:58:56,846 --> 00:59:00,809 Listen. I didn't want to work in a pet shop. 687 00:59:00,810 --> 00:59:03,681 I wanted to be a lumberjack. 688 00:59:05,856 --> 00:59:07,857 Sorry. This is irrelevant. 689 00:59:07,858 --> 00:59:07,858 Yes, a lumberjack! 690 00:59:07,859 --> 00:59:10,486 Yes, a lumberjack! 691 00:59:10,487 --> 00:59:15,199 Leaping from trees as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia. 692 00:59:15,200 --> 00:59:17,702 The giant redwood! 693 00:59:17,703 --> 00:59:19,871 The larch! 694 00:59:19,872 --> 00:59:23,500 The fir! The mighty Scotch pine! 695 00:59:23,501 --> 00:59:25,503 What about my bloody parrot? 696 00:59:25,504 --> 00:59:28,547 The smell of fresh-cut timber! 697 00:59:28,548 --> 00:59:31,467 The crash of mighty trees. 698 00:59:31,468 --> 00:59:36,268 With my best girl by my side, we'd sing! 699 00:59:40,479 --> 00:59:43,105 I'm a lumberjack and I'm okay 700 00:59:43,106 --> 00:59:45,859 I sleep all night and I work all day. 701 00:59:45,860 --> 00:59:48,278 He's a lumberjack and he's okay. 702 00:59:48,279 --> 00:59:50,864 He sleeps all night and he works all day 703 00:59:50,865 --> 00:59:53,450 I cut down trees I eat my lunch 704 00:59:53,451 --> 00:59:55,954 I go to the lavatory. 705 00:59:55,955 --> 00:59:58,414 On Wednesday I go shopping. 706 00:59:58,415 --> 01:00:00,918 And have buttered scones for tea. 707 01:00:00,919 --> 01:00:03,962 He cuts down trees He eats his lunch. 708 01:00:03,963 --> 01:00:06,382 He goes to the lavatory. 709 01:00:06,383 --> 01:00:08,842 On Wednesday he goes shopping. 710 01:00:08,843 --> 01:00:11,805 And has buttered scones for tea. 711 01:00:11,806 --> 01:00:14,348 He's a lumberjack and he's okay. 712 01:00:14,349 --> 01:00:16,935 He sleeps all night and he works all day 713 01:00:16,936 --> 01:00:19,729 I cut down trees I skip and jump 714 01:00:19,730 --> 01:00:22,316 I like to press wild flowers 715 01:00:22,317 --> 01:00:24,944 I put on women's clothing. 716 01:00:24,945 --> 01:00:27,697 And hang around in bars. 717 01:00:27,698 --> 01:00:30,450 He cuts down trees He skips and jumps. 718 01:00:30,451 --> 01:00:32,828 He likes to press wild flowers. 719 01:00:32,829 --> 01:00:35,414 He puts on women's clothing. 720 01:00:35,415 --> 01:00:38,334 And hangs around in bars. 721 01:00:38,335 --> 01:00:40,878 He's a lumberjack and he's okay. 722 01:00:40,879 --> 01:00:43,506 He sleeps all night and he works all day 723 01:00:43,507 --> 01:00:46,344 I cut down trees I wear high heels. 724 01:00:46,345 --> 01:00:48,804 Suspenders and a bra 725 01:00:48,805 --> 01:00:51,474 I wish I'd been a girlie. 726 01:00:51,475 --> 01:00:54,310 Just like my dear papa 727 01:00:54,311 --> 01:00:57,231 - I cut down trees, I wear high heels. - He cuts down trees. 728 01:00:57,232 --> 01:00:59,983 Suspenders and a bra 729 01:00:59,984 --> 01:01:02,319 I wish I'd been a girlie. 730 01:01:02,320 --> 01:01:05,614 Just like my dear papa. 731 01:01:05,615 --> 01:01:07,534 Oh, Brevers! 732 01:01:07,535 --> 01:01:11,331 And I thought you were so butch. 733 01:01:12,207 --> 01:01:14,362 Oh, you pansy! 734 01:01:24,137 --> 01:01:26,906 And now for something completely different. 735 01:01:34,523 --> 01:01:36,691 Hello, darling. Sorry I'm so late. 736 01:01:36,692 --> 01:01:39,027 That's all right, darling. I'm 20 minutes late myself. 737 01:01:39,028 --> 01:01:42,363 - Let's not start worrying about that. - It's nice here, isn't it? 738 01:01:42,364 --> 01:01:45,034 Yes. A very good restaurant. Five stars, you know? 739 01:01:45,035 --> 01:01:47,119 - Really? - Oh, yes. Terrific reputation. 740 01:01:47,120 --> 01:01:50,123 Good evening, madame. Good evening, sir. 741 01:01:50,124 --> 01:01:53,125 May I say what a pleasure it is to see you here again, sir? 742 01:01:53,126 --> 01:01:57,381 Thank you. Apparently, the boeuf en croute is fantastic. 743 01:01:57,382 --> 01:02:00,093 If I may recommend, sir, the faisan a la reine. 744 01:02:00,094 --> 01:02:03,178 The sauce is one of the chef's most famous creations. 745 01:02:03,179 --> 01:02:05,557 - Mmm, that sounds very good. - Sounds lovely. 746 01:02:05,558 --> 01:02:08,226 Anyway, darling, have a look at the menu. 747 01:02:08,227 --> 01:02:10,563 See what you want. Take your time. 748 01:02:10,564 --> 01:02:14,400 By the way, I've got a bit of a dirty fork. Could you get me another one? 749 01:02:14,401 --> 01:02:18,487 - I beg your pardon? - It's dirty. Could I get another fork? 750 01:02:18,488 --> 01:02:22,242 - Sir, I do apologize. - No need to apologize. Doesn't worry me. 751 01:02:22,243 --> 01:02:24,746 No. I do apologize, sir. 752 01:02:24,747 --> 01:02:27,497 I will fetch the head-waiter immediatement. 753 01:02:27,498 --> 01:02:29,959 No, please. No need to do that. 754 01:02:29,960 --> 01:02:32,545 Oh no. I feel sure the head-waiter... 755 01:02:32,546 --> 01:02:35,924 he will want to apologize to you himself, personally. 756 01:02:35,925 --> 01:02:40,725 I cannot think how this has happened. I will fetch him at once. 757 01:02:40,764 --> 01:02:43,766 Well, you certainly get good service here, don't you? 758 01:02:43,767 --> 01:02:46,102 Yes, they really look after you here. 759 01:02:46,103 --> 01:02:49,489 This all looks delicious. 760 01:02:50,191 --> 01:02:54,152 Excuse me, sir, madame. 761 01:02:54,153 --> 01:02:56,614 This is filthy. Who the hell washes up? 762 01:02:56,615 --> 01:02:59,617 Find out who washes up and give them their cards immediately. 763 01:02:59,618 --> 01:03:02,411 No! On second thought, we can't take any chances. 764 01:03:02,412 --> 01:03:06,375 - Sack the entire washing-up staff. - I don't want to cause any trouble. 765 01:03:06,376 --> 01:03:10,588 It's quite right that you bring this sort of thing to our attention. 766 01:03:10,589 --> 01:03:14,299 Find the manager and tell him what has happened immediately! 767 01:03:14,300 --> 01:03:17,470 - Please, I don't want to make any fuss. - Oh, no, there's no fuss. 768 01:03:17,471 --> 01:03:19,973 We simply wish to ensure that nothing interferes... 769 01:03:19,974 --> 01:03:22,226 with your complete enjoyment of the meal. 770 01:03:22,227 --> 01:03:25,730 I'm sure it won't. It was only a dirty fork. 771 01:03:25,731 --> 01:03:30,484 I know, and I'm sorry. Bitterly sorry. 772 01:03:30,485 --> 01:03:35,073 But I know nothing I can say can alter the fact that in this restaurant... 773 01:03:35,074 --> 01:03:39,828 you have been given a dirty, filthy, smelly piece of cutlery. 774 01:03:39,829 --> 01:03:42,332 - It wasn't smelly. - It is smelly. 775 01:03:42,333 --> 01:03:44,834 And obscene and disgusting. I hate it. 776 01:03:44,835 --> 01:03:49,094 - That's enough, Gilberto. - Dirty, nasty, smutty! 777 01:03:50,050 --> 01:03:52,510 Good evening, sir. Good evening, madame. 778 01:03:52,511 --> 01:03:56,389 I'm the manager. I've only just heard what's happened. 779 01:03:56,390 --> 01:03:59,674 - May I sit down? - Yes, of course. 780 01:04:01,688 --> 01:04:06,275 I want to apologize humbly, deeply and sincerely... 781 01:04:06,276 --> 01:04:08,278 about the fork. 782 01:04:08,279 --> 01:04:12,073 No. Really, it was only a tiny piece of dirt. You can hardly see it. 783 01:04:12,074 --> 01:04:16,874 Oh, you're good, kind, fine people for saying that. 784 01:04:17,162 --> 01:04:21,292 But I can see it. To me it's like a boulder... 785 01:04:21,293 --> 01:04:24,013 a vast bowl of pus. 786 01:04:24,380 --> 01:04:29,180 - Oh, it's not that bad. - No, it gets me here. 787 01:04:29,469 --> 01:04:32,554 I can't give you any excuses. There are no excuses. 788 01:04:32,555 --> 01:04:35,475 I've been meaning to spend more time in the restaurant... 789 01:04:35,476 --> 01:04:40,276 but I haven't been well recently and things have been going badly back there. 790 01:04:40,606 --> 01:04:43,233 Poor old Mrs. Dalrymple who prepares the salad... 791 01:04:43,234 --> 01:04:46,070 can hardly move her poor, swollen fingers. 792 01:04:46,071 --> 01:04:49,574 And then, of course, there's Gilberto's war wound. 793 01:04:49,575 --> 01:04:52,660 But they're good people, and they're fine people... 794 01:04:52,661 --> 01:04:56,248 and together we were beginning to get over this bad patch. 795 01:04:56,249 --> 01:04:59,085 There was light at the end of the tunnel... 796 01:04:59,086 --> 01:05:01,838 when this... 797 01:05:01,839 --> 01:05:05,341 when this happened! 798 01:05:05,342 --> 01:05:10,142 - Can I get you some water? - It's the end of the road! 799 01:05:11,850 --> 01:05:14,601 You bastards! 800 01:05:14,602 --> 01:05:16,228 You mean us? 801 01:05:16,229 --> 01:05:20,540 You vicious, heartless bastards! 802 01:05:21,444 --> 01:05:23,611 Look what you've done to him. 803 01:05:23,612 --> 01:05:27,908 He's worked his fingers to the bone to make this place what it is! 804 01:05:27,909 --> 01:05:31,370 And you come in here with your petty... 805 01:05:31,371 --> 01:05:34,625 vicious, heartless quibbling... 806 01:05:34,626 --> 01:05:39,037 and you grind him into the dirt. 807 01:05:40,715 --> 01:05:44,009 This fine, honourable man... 808 01:05:44,010 --> 01:05:48,810 whose boots you are not worthy to kiss! 809 01:05:50,518 --> 01:05:54,930 Oh, it makes me mad. 810 01:06:03,240 --> 01:06:05,157 Easy, Mongo! Easy. 811 01:06:05,158 --> 01:06:08,537 Stark, stirring mad. 812 01:06:08,538 --> 01:06:11,374 No, Mongo! Oh! Oh, the wound! 813 01:06:11,375 --> 01:06:14,001 They destroyed him! 814 01:06:14,002 --> 01:06:18,260 It's the end! The end. 815 01:06:19,175 --> 01:06:21,594 He's dead. 816 01:06:21,595 --> 01:06:23,596 They killed him! 817 01:06:23,597 --> 01:06:26,008 Revenge. 818 01:06:27,684 --> 01:06:30,853 No, Mongo! Never kill a customer. 819 01:06:30,854 --> 01:06:33,565 Oh, the wound again. 820 01:06:33,566 --> 01:06:36,593 They ruined him! 821 01:06:41,867 --> 01:06:45,459 Lucky I didn't tell'em about the dirty knife. 822 01:07:25,416 --> 01:07:27,583 Good morning. I'm a bank robber. 823 01:07:27,584 --> 01:07:30,587 Please don't panic. Just hand over all the money. 824 01:07:30,588 --> 01:07:33,924 This is a lingerie shop, sir. 825 01:07:38,096 --> 01:07:40,046 Fine, fine. 826 01:07:43,603 --> 01:07:46,373 Adopt, adapt and improve. 827 01:07:47,941 --> 01:07:50,609 - Well, what have you got? - We've got corsets, stockings... 828 01:07:50,610 --> 01:07:53,738 suspender belts, tights, bras, slips, petticoats, knickers... 829 01:07:53,739 --> 01:07:55,949 socks and garters, sir. 830 01:07:55,950 --> 01:07:57,900 Fine. 831 01:08:00,706 --> 01:08:03,081 No large quantities of money in safes? 832 01:08:03,082 --> 01:08:05,626 No, sir. 833 01:08:05,627 --> 01:08:09,131 No piles of cash in easy-to-carry bags? 834 01:08:09,132 --> 01:08:11,508 No, sir. 835 01:08:11,509 --> 01:08:13,459 Fine. 836 01:08:23,481 --> 01:08:25,841 Just a pair of panties then, please. 837 01:08:35,328 --> 01:08:37,944 And now for something completely different. 838 01:08:42,627 --> 01:08:45,552 Hey, did you see that? 839 01:08:47,299 --> 01:08:50,760 Did you see something go past the window? 840 01:08:50,761 --> 01:08:51,761 What? 841 01:08:51,762 --> 01:08:55,763 Somebody went past that window, downwards. 842 01:09:00,021 --> 01:09:02,228 Another one. 843 01:09:03,984 --> 01:09:06,857 Another one just went past, downwards. 844 01:09:07,613 --> 01:09:08,822 What? 845 01:09:08,823 --> 01:09:11,851 Two people have just fallen past that window! 846 01:09:12,494 --> 01:09:14,494 Fine. 847 01:09:14,495 --> 01:09:19,295 Look, two people... three people have just fallen past that window. 848 01:09:22,047 --> 01:09:24,298 Must be a board meeting. 849 01:09:24,299 --> 01:09:26,759 Oh, yeah. 850 01:09:26,760 --> 01:09:30,930 - That was Wilkins of finance. - No, that was Robertson. 851 01:09:30,931 --> 01:09:34,369 - Wilkins. - It was Robertson. 852 01:09:36,563 --> 01:09:39,564 - That was Wilkins. - Oh, yeah. 853 01:09:39,565 --> 01:09:41,734 Bet Parkinson next. 854 01:09:41,735 --> 01:09:45,223 - Bet you it won't. - How much? 855 01:09:45,781 --> 01:09:49,909 - What? - How much do you bet it won't? Fiver? 856 01:09:49,910 --> 01:09:53,122 - Yeah, all right. - Right. Done. You're on. 857 01:09:53,123 --> 01:09:55,636 Parkinson next. 858 01:09:57,920 --> 01:10:00,714 - Come on, Parky! - Don't be silly, Parky! 859 01:10:00,715 --> 01:10:03,425 - Come on, Parky! Jump! - Don't be stupid, man! 860 01:10:03,426 --> 01:10:07,053 Dear Sir, I would like to complain about that last scene... 861 01:10:07,054 --> 01:10:09,473 about people falling out of high buildings. 862 01:10:09,474 --> 01:10:12,853 I myself have worked all my life in such a building... 863 01:10:12,854 --> 01:10:16,752 and have never once... 864 01:11:25,226 --> 01:11:28,252 Psst. All clear. 865 01:11:36,864 --> 01:11:41,430 Vocational guidance counsellor. 866 01:11:51,547 --> 01:11:55,592 Ah, Mr. Anchovy. Do sit down. 867 01:11:55,593 --> 01:11:58,679 Oh, thank you. Take the weight off the feet, eh? 868 01:11:58,680 --> 01:12:00,765 Yes. 869 01:12:00,766 --> 01:12:03,225 Lovely weather for the time of year, I must say. 870 01:12:03,226 --> 01:12:06,730 Enough of this gay banter. Mr. Anchovy, you asked us to advise you... 871 01:12:06,731 --> 01:12:09,482 which job in life you were best suited for. 872 01:12:09,483 --> 01:12:11,902 - That is correct. - Well. I have the results here... 873 01:12:11,903 --> 01:12:14,863 of all the interviews and the aptitude tests that you took last week... 874 01:12:14,864 --> 01:12:19,327 and from them we've built up clear impression of the person you are... 875 01:12:19,328 --> 01:12:22,414 and I think I can say without fear of contradiction... 876 01:12:22,415 --> 01:12:25,442 that the ideal job for you is accountancy. 877 01:12:25,959 --> 01:12:27,544 But I am an accountant. 878 01:12:27,545 --> 01:12:30,714 Jolly good. Well, back to the office with you then. 879 01:12:30,715 --> 01:12:32,717 No, no, you don't understand. 880 01:12:32,718 --> 01:12:35,220 I've been an accountant for the last 20 years. 881 01:12:35,221 --> 01:12:38,348 But I want a new job, something exciting that will let me live. 882 01:12:38,349 --> 01:12:40,767 But accountancy is quite exciting. 883 01:12:40,768 --> 01:12:43,938 Exciting? No, it's not. 884 01:12:43,939 --> 01:12:46,649 It's dull, dull, dull! 885 01:12:46,650 --> 01:12:49,111 My God, it's dull. 886 01:12:49,112 --> 01:12:52,197 It's so deadly dull and tedious... 887 01:12:52,198 --> 01:12:56,243 and stuffy and boring and desperately dull! 888 01:12:56,244 --> 01:12:59,205 I can't stand it any longer. I want to live. 889 01:12:59,206 --> 01:13:02,667 Well, yes, Mr. Anchovy, but, you see, in your report here... 890 01:13:02,668 --> 01:13:06,926 it says that you are an extremely dull person. 891 01:13:07,466 --> 01:13:09,800 Our experts describe you as... 892 01:13:09,801 --> 01:13:12,804 "an appallingly dull fellow", "unimaginative"... 893 01:13:12,805 --> 01:13:16,432 "timid, spineless," "easily dominated"... 894 01:13:16,433 --> 01:13:19,311 "no sense of humour", "tedious company"... 895 01:13:19,312 --> 01:13:21,646 and "irrepressibly drab and awful". 896 01:13:21,647 --> 01:13:24,859 And where as in most professions these would be considerable drawbacks... 897 01:13:24,860 --> 01:13:27,194 in accountancy they are a positive boon. 898 01:13:27,195 --> 01:13:30,990 I'm only as awful as this because accountancy does this to people. 899 01:13:30,991 --> 01:13:33,661 Can't you help me? 900 01:13:33,662 --> 01:13:35,829 Any idea of what you want to be? 901 01:13:35,830 --> 01:13:38,666 - Yes. Yes, I have. - What is it? 902 01:13:38,667 --> 01:13:41,693 A lion tamer. 903 01:13:43,339 --> 01:13:46,466 Yes. Of course, it's a bit of a jump, isn't it... 904 01:13:46,467 --> 01:13:49,053 accountancy to lion taming in one go? 905 01:13:49,054 --> 01:13:53,265 Don't think it'd be better to work your way towards lion taming via banking? 906 01:13:53,266 --> 01:13:55,643 - Or insurance? - No! I don't want to wait. 907 01:13:55,644 --> 01:13:58,062 I want to start immediately. Tomorrow morning at 9:00... 908 01:13:58,063 --> 01:14:00,357 I want to be in there, taming. 909 01:14:00,358 --> 01:14:03,776 Yes, but what qualifications do you have? 910 01:14:03,777 --> 01:14:06,530 - I've got a hat. - A hat? 911 01:14:06,531 --> 01:14:09,534 Yes, a lion taming hat, a hat with "Lion Tamer" written on it... 912 01:14:09,535 --> 01:14:12,871 and it lights up, saying "Lion Tamer" in big red neon letters... 913 01:14:12,872 --> 01:14:14,956 so you can tame them after dark. 914 01:14:14,957 --> 01:14:17,542 - I see. - During the day, you switch it off... 915 01:14:17,543 --> 01:14:21,047 and you can claim it as reasonable wear and tear under "allowable expenses"... 916 01:14:21,048 --> 01:14:23,049 under paragraph 335... 917 01:14:23,050 --> 01:14:26,219 Yes. I follow. But, you see, the snag is... 918 01:14:26,220 --> 01:14:28,721 if I now call the service and say to them... 919 01:14:28,722 --> 01:14:33,101 "I've got a 45-year-old accountant who wants to become a lion tamer"... 920 01:14:33,102 --> 01:14:37,232 their first question is not going to be "Does he have his own hat?" 921 01:14:37,233 --> 01:14:41,403 They're more likely to ask what experience you've had with lions. 922 01:14:41,404 --> 01:14:45,157 - I've seen'em at the zoo. - Good. 923 01:14:45,158 --> 01:14:49,245 Little brown, furry creatures with short, stumpy legs and great long noses. 924 01:14:49,246 --> 01:14:52,039 I could tame one of those. I don't know what all the fuss is about. 925 01:14:52,040 --> 01:14:54,292 Look pretty tame to start with. 926 01:14:54,293 --> 01:14:57,045 And these lions, how high are they? 927 01:14:57,046 --> 01:15:01,092 Oh, about so high. They don't frighten me at all. 928 01:15:01,093 --> 01:15:03,385 And do these lions eat ants? 929 01:15:03,386 --> 01:15:05,746 Yes, that's right. 930 01:15:06,599 --> 01:15:11,399 Well, I'm afraid what you've got hold of there, Mr. Anchovy, is an anteater. 931 01:15:11,980 --> 01:15:15,273 - A what? - An anteater, not a lion. 932 01:15:15,274 --> 01:15:17,735 You see a lion, is a huge savage beast... 933 01:15:17,736 --> 01:15:19,987 about ten-foot long, five-foot high... 934 01:15:19,988 --> 01:15:22,491 with masses of sharp, pointy teeth... 935 01:15:22,492 --> 01:15:24,785 and nasty, long, razor-sharp claws. 936 01:15:24,786 --> 01:15:27,299 It looks like this. 937 01:15:28,956 --> 01:15:32,627 - Now. Shall I call the circus? - No! 938 01:15:32,628 --> 01:15:35,672 I like your idea of making the move... 939 01:15:35,673 --> 01:15:37,799 to lion taming by easy stages... 940 01:15:37,800 --> 01:15:40,802 say by insurance or banking. 941 01:15:40,803 --> 01:15:43,305 - Banking? - Yes, banking. I see it now. 942 01:15:43,306 --> 01:15:45,474 It's a man's life, isn't it? Travel. Excitement... 943 01:15:45,475 --> 01:15:49,728 decisions affecting people's lives, romance, thrills. 944 01:15:49,729 --> 01:15:52,397 I'll put you in touch with the bank. 945 01:15:54,360 --> 01:15:56,278 Probably. 946 01:15:56,279 --> 01:15:59,866 I'd like a couple of days to think about it, 'cause it is a big decision. 947 01:15:59,867 --> 01:16:02,200 Or maybe, maybe a week, at most, you know? 948 01:16:02,201 --> 01:16:06,497 But I do want to make this decision. I'd like to do banking... 949 01:16:06,498 --> 01:16:08,167 It's sad, isn't it... 950 01:16:08,168 --> 01:16:11,337 that this is what accountancy does to people? 951 01:16:11,338 --> 01:16:15,299 The only way that we can fight this terrible, debilitating social disease... 952 01:16:15,300 --> 01:16:18,678 I only want to be famous. I only want to see my name in lights. 953 01:16:18,679 --> 01:16:21,091 And so you shall. 954 01:16:29,233 --> 01:16:31,183 Cue! 955 01:16:36,991 --> 01:16:39,535 Hello, good evening, and welcome to "Blackmail." 956 01:16:39,536 --> 01:16:43,205 To start tonight's program, we go north to Preston in Lancashire... 957 01:16:43,206 --> 01:16:45,568 and Mrs. Betty Teal. 958 01:16:46,711 --> 01:16:51,511 Hello Mrs. Teal. Now, Mrs. Teal, this is for $15... 959 01:16:51,549 --> 01:16:55,553 and is to stop us revealing the name of your lover in Bolton. 960 01:16:55,554 --> 01:16:58,764 So, Mrs. Teal, send us $15 by return of post, please... 961 01:16:58,765 --> 01:17:02,727 and your husband Trevor and your lovely children Diane, Janice and Juliet... 962 01:17:02,728 --> 01:17:07,528 need never know the name of your lover in Bolton. 963 01:17:12,615 --> 01:17:15,867 Now, a letter, a series of photographs... 964 01:17:15,868 --> 01:17:19,287 and a hotel registration book which could add up to divorce... 965 01:17:19,288 --> 01:17:22,249 premature retirement and possible criminal proceedings... 966 01:17:22,250 --> 01:17:24,795 for a company director in Bromsgrove. 967 01:17:24,796 --> 01:17:27,046 He's a Freemason and a conservative M.P. 968 01:17:27,047 --> 01:17:30,801 So, Mr. S. of Bromsgrove, that's $3,000, please... 969 01:17:30,802 --> 01:17:35,390 to stop us revealing your name, the name of the three other people involved... 970 01:17:35,391 --> 01:17:37,599 the youth organization to which they belong... 971 01:17:37,600 --> 01:17:40,473 and the shop where you bought the equipment. 972 01:17:47,571 --> 01:17:50,948 Well, we'll be showing you more of that photograph later in the program... 973 01:17:50,949 --> 01:17:54,869 unless we hear from Charles or Michael. 974 01:17:54,870 --> 01:17:57,456 Now it's time for our "Stop The Film" spot. 975 01:17:57,457 --> 01:17:59,458 The rules are very simple. 976 01:17:59,459 --> 01:18:01,960 We have taken a film which contains compromising scenes... 977 01:18:01,961 --> 01:18:06,174 and unpleasant details which could wreck a man's career. 978 01:18:06,175 --> 01:18:09,510 But the victim may phone me at any time and stop the film. 979 01:18:09,511 --> 01:18:12,765 But don't forget, the money increases as the film goes on... 980 01:18:12,766 --> 01:18:15,808 so the longer you leave it, the more you have to pay. 981 01:18:15,809 --> 01:18:20,609 So, with the clock at $300 this week's "Stop the Film" visited Temstead. 982 01:19:13,125 --> 01:19:15,997 He's a very brave man. 983 01:19:22,093 --> 01:19:24,845 No, sir. No. 984 01:19:24,846 --> 01:19:27,514 I'm sure you didn't, sir. No, that's all right. 985 01:19:27,515 --> 01:19:30,434 We don't morally censure. We just want the money. 986 01:19:30,435 --> 01:19:33,001 And here's the address to send it to: 987 01:19:36,901 --> 01:19:39,980 Thank you, sir. 988 01:19:41,864 --> 01:19:44,576 Ah. There you are. 989 01:19:44,577 --> 01:19:47,078 Well, that's quite enough of that. 990 01:19:47,079 --> 01:19:49,491 And now... 991 01:19:52,042 --> 01:19:56,842 a local civic group re-enacts a famous scene from history. 992 01:19:57,048 --> 01:20:01,427 This week, the Townswomen Guild of Sheffield in Yorkshire. 993 01:20:01,428 --> 01:20:03,053 Miss Rita Fairbanks... 994 01:20:03,054 --> 01:20:06,058 you organized this representation of the Battle of Pearl Harbour. 995 01:20:06,059 --> 01:20:07,642 Why? 996 01:20:07,643 --> 01:20:10,855 We've always been extremely interested in modern works. 997 01:20:10,856 --> 01:20:15,610 We were the first towns women's guild to perform "Camp on Blood Island"... 998 01:20:15,611 --> 01:20:17,320 and, of course, last year... 999 01:20:17,321 --> 01:20:21,617 we did our extremely popular re-enactment of Nazi war atrocities... 1000 01:20:21,618 --> 01:20:24,788 so this year we thought we'd do something in a much lighter vein. 1001 01:20:24,789 --> 01:20:28,123 I can see that you're all ready to go, so I'll just wish you good luck... 1002 01:20:28,124 --> 01:20:30,794 in your latest venture, "The Battle of Pearl Harbour." 1003 01:20:30,795 --> 01:20:35,053 Thank you very much indeed, young man. 1004 01:21:01,537 --> 01:21:03,288 Oh, Brian. 1005 01:21:03,289 --> 01:21:05,648 Oh, Elsbeth. 1006 01:21:15,677 --> 01:21:19,116 Be gentle with me. 1007 01:21:51,384 --> 01:21:56,055 Oh, Brian, are you gonna do anything or just show me films all evening? 1008 01:21:56,056 --> 01:21:58,110 Just one more, dear. 1009 01:22:08,905 --> 01:22:11,740 Good afternoon, and welcome to Brantley Park... 1010 01:22:11,741 --> 01:22:14,910 just as the competitors are running out onto the field... 1011 01:22:14,911 --> 01:22:17,871 on this lovely winter afternoon with the going firm under foot... 1012 01:22:17,872 --> 01:22:19,916 and very little sign of rain. 1013 01:22:19,917 --> 01:22:22,418 Looks like we're in for a splendid afternoon sport... 1014 01:22:22,419 --> 01:22:26,422 on this, the 127th "Upper Class Twit of the Year" show. 1015 01:22:26,423 --> 01:22:30,135 There's a big crowd here today to see these prize idiots in action. 1016 01:22:30,136 --> 01:22:31,762 Vivian Smith Smythe Smith. 1017 01:22:31,763 --> 01:22:34,015 He's in the Grenadier Guards, and can count to four. 1018 01:22:34,016 --> 01:22:35,851 Simon Zinc Trumpet Harris. 1019 01:22:35,852 --> 01:22:38,812 He's an old Italian and married to an attractive table lamp. 1020 01:22:38,813 --> 01:22:41,815 Nigel Incubator Jones. His best friend is a tree... 1021 01:22:41,816 --> 01:22:44,110 and in his spare time he's a stockbroker. 1022 01:22:44,111 --> 01:22:46,863 Javais Brookhamster. He's in the wine trade... 1023 01:22:46,864 --> 01:22:49,323 and his father uses him as a waste-paper basket. 1024 01:22:49,324 --> 01:22:52,452 And finally, Oliver Singen Mollusk, another old Italian. 1025 01:22:52,453 --> 01:22:55,622 His father was a cabinet minister and his mother won the derby. 1026 01:22:55,623 --> 01:22:58,417 He's thought by many to be this year's outstanding twit. 1027 01:22:58,418 --> 01:23:01,420 And now the twits are moving up to the starting line... 1028 01:23:01,421 --> 01:23:04,424 and any moment now they'll be under starter's orders. 1029 01:23:04,425 --> 01:23:06,426 I'm afraid they're facing the wrong way at the moment... 1030 01:23:06,427 --> 01:23:08,428 the wrong way at the moment, but the starter will sort this out. 1031 01:23:08,429 --> 01:23:13,229 Any moment now they're going to have the big off. This is always a tense moment. 1032 01:23:13,643 --> 01:23:15,478 And they're off! 1033 01:23:15,479 --> 01:23:19,315 No, they're not. They didn't realize that they had to start with the gun. 1034 01:23:19,316 --> 01:23:22,736 I think the starter has explained to them. Several are beginning to point. 1035 01:23:22,737 --> 01:23:25,197 And ready again, and off again! 1036 01:23:25,198 --> 01:23:27,199 This time, yes, a really fast start! 1037 01:23:27,200 --> 01:23:30,829 It's Vivian going for the lead Oliver's running wide to the right! 1038 01:23:30,830 --> 01:23:33,581 And to the left but, he'll soon pick up the line... 1039 01:23:33,582 --> 01:23:36,419 into the first event which is, walking along a straight line. 1040 01:23:36,420 --> 01:23:39,170 The twits have to walk along these lines without falling over. 1041 01:23:39,171 --> 01:23:41,841 This is Oliver's worst event. He's having a little trouble. 1042 01:23:41,842 --> 01:23:44,844 Simon's coming through. Nigel's coming through. 1043 01:23:44,845 --> 01:23:48,181 Oliver's over at the back. Never mind. He'll get up. He's a great fighter. 1044 01:23:48,182 --> 01:23:50,266 He's having... Oh dear, never mind. 1045 01:23:50,267 --> 01:23:53,270 We're coming to the second event, the matchbox jump. 1046 01:23:53,271 --> 01:23:56,858 Two layers of matchboxes for the twits to clear. Nigel and Simon are over! 1047 01:23:56,859 --> 01:23:59,068 And Vivian has refused. 1048 01:23:59,069 --> 01:24:01,446 And now, it's "Kicking the Beggar". 1049 01:24:01,447 --> 01:24:05,617 And Nigel to put the brogue in there! Oh, beautifully placed! 1050 01:24:05,618 --> 01:24:08,120 The beggar is down, and the crowd really loved it! 1051 01:24:08,121 --> 01:24:10,956 And here it's Oliver. He hasn't cleared the jump. 1052 01:24:10,957 --> 01:24:13,376 Oh, if only his father could understand. 1053 01:24:13,377 --> 01:24:16,045 And now it's "Running Over the Old Lady". 1054 01:24:16,046 --> 01:24:19,758 Simon in the lead and he's done it beautifully, right in the midriff. 1055 01:24:19,759 --> 01:24:22,762 Back to Oliver. Oh, he's magnificent, this man. 1056 01:24:22,763 --> 01:24:25,222 He doesn't know when he's beaten. He doesn't know what he's winning either. 1057 01:24:25,223 --> 01:24:29,435 He has no sort of sensory apparatus known to man. Bad luck. Oliver. 1058 01:24:29,436 --> 01:24:32,523 And now, it's "Waking the Neighbour". Simon's there at the front. 1059 01:24:32,524 --> 01:24:37,027 He's slamming that door, and woken the neighbour Simon's moved into first. 1060 01:24:37,028 --> 01:24:39,029 The crowd is really excited! 1061 01:24:39,030 --> 01:24:41,157 And now it's "Shooting the Rabbits". 1062 01:24:41,158 --> 01:24:45,078 These rabbits have been staked to the ground so they can't move too much... 1063 01:24:45,079 --> 01:24:48,583 as this is only a one-day event. 1064 01:24:48,584 --> 01:24:52,169 There's mist there which I think is causing the twits a bit of trouble. 1065 01:24:52,170 --> 01:24:54,881 And Javais is using the butt of his rifle! 1066 01:24:54,882 --> 01:24:57,551 Vivian's going in with a fist, and Javais is first away! 1067 01:24:57,552 --> 01:25:00,220 And Oliver has run himself over! 1068 01:25:00,221 --> 01:25:02,221 What a great twit! 1069 01:25:02,222 --> 01:25:05,809 And now, it's "Taking the Bras off the Débutantes from the Back". 1070 01:25:05,810 --> 01:25:09,022 This is a particularly difficult event for most of the twits... 1071 01:25:09,023 --> 01:25:12,108 one of the ones that takes the most time on this exacting course. 1072 01:25:12,109 --> 01:25:16,655 The crowd are getting excited, and I think the twits are getting excited too. 1073 01:25:16,656 --> 01:25:20,618 And it's Simon into the lead, closely followed by Nigel! 1074 01:25:20,619 --> 01:25:22,787 And it's the final event now! 1075 01:25:22,788 --> 01:25:25,915 They have to shoot themselves to become upper class twit of the year. 1076 01:25:25,916 --> 01:25:29,586 Simon can't get the bra off his finger it's Nigel there! 1077 01:25:29,587 --> 01:25:31,797 Nigel misses! Simon's missing! 1078 01:25:31,798 --> 01:25:34,801 Nigel misses again! And Javais has shot himself! 1079 01:25:34,802 --> 01:25:37,970 Javais is upper class twit of the year! 1080 01:25:37,971 --> 01:25:40,307 Vivian is there! He's not having any luck! 1081 01:25:40,308 --> 01:25:43,601 Simon shoots. Simon has shot Vivian! 1082 01:25:43,602 --> 01:25:46,355 Simon has shot Vivian into second place. 1083 01:25:46,356 --> 01:25:49,150 And Simon shoots himself. Simon is third. 1084 01:25:49,151 --> 01:25:52,820 And Nigel clubs himself into fourth place! 1085 01:25:52,821 --> 01:25:54,823 And so, the final result: 1086 01:25:54,824 --> 01:25:56,825 First and upper class twit of the year... 1087 01:25:56,826 --> 01:25:59,036 Javais Brookhamster of Kensington... 1088 01:25:59,037 --> 01:26:01,747 runner up, Vivian Smith Smythe Smith of Mayfair... 1089 01:26:01,748 --> 01:26:05,135 and third, Simon Zinc Trumpet Harris of Kensington.